Here is a little insight into me…

It’s so easy nowadays to get a divorce, to say, well sorry this isn’t working out, (sarcasm) your hair is way too long and I don’t like it, or you laugh the wrong way, or you smoke cigarettes. Don’t get me wrong, these are all flaws in your own personal opinion and you are the one to decide this isn’t what you want… or need… But I find somehow, the more I read, the more people talk, that it seems so easy to just say I give up, I had enough of you and all the shit you put me through. I am done. I’ll just grab a “new model”…

So when do you say “I am done”?

Do you say “I am done”, when you leave almost everything behind (family, friends, most of your clothes and belongings), because you believe in the “master plan” of a new future with your (back then) fiance, relationship of 4.5 years (with a 1 year backpacking trip together before you leave UK for NZ), that you are going to start building on the other side of the world by yourself while she ties up a few lose ends to come and join you in a few months time?

Do you say “I am done”, when you try to include her in everything you do via skype when you can, even though you understand that there is 12 hrs difference and you’re both getting on with your life until that day when she finally joins you, to be told you need to stop contacting her for a while as it’s getting too much, when you say you miss her and can’t wait to see her again (you have absolutely no friends at the beginning, you know absolutely no one)?

Do you say “I am done”, when your father lands in intensive care with heart problems, and she says, we need to stop talking on skype, no video no voice, just typing, for a while?

Do you say “I am done”, when for months you are apart and you feel you have absolutely no emotional support, less and less contact?

Do you say “I am done”, when all your friends and family tells you to find someone else and there’s plenty of fish in the sea?

Do you say “I am done”, when you have a terrible feeling in your gut, when she goes on holiday for a week, and says she won’t be in touch?

Do you say “I am done”, when she says one day she “has to” come to you, not “wants to”?

Do you say “I am done”, when you support her every way you can (not financially only) and when you buy her the ticket UK -> NZ (return), the moment you see her at the airport feels like you don’t really know each other instead of being 2 people in love for the last 4.5 years, the rose you had in your hand feels like toilet paper she just used to wipe her arse with and gave it back to you without saying thanks, the awkward 45 min journey back to your apartment feels like you are a leper when you try to put your hand on hers and she takes it away, the moment you walk into the apartment and discover she fucked someone else… and admits to it with no regret on her face… “it just happened”…

Do you say “I am done”, when you somehow break through all of that hurt counting the good days you had vs the bad ones to decide, as you did for the whole time you were together “yes, I chose you”, you ask of her to not contact “him”, yet she does, you break your core values and do something you feel disgusted with yourself and you spy on her via your laptop she uses everyday to contact him, when she said she won’t, you torture yourself with reading through all the emails they shared, you know exactly who he is, you know he visited her when your father was in intensive care (count 1), you know she went on a week holiday in Tuscany with “him” (count 2), you know she didn’t open the door for your sister who was to deliver a book for you via her because “he” was there (count 4, and another trip to Italy for her count 3)…

Do you say “I am done”, when you try to be all civil and normal while she is here to see if this can still work, yet, you are the only one who shows affection, care, interest and love… and you feel as if you had a flat mate, instead of your life partner in the apartment…

Do you say “I am done”, when after 5 weeks of not knowing what will be the outcome of this, because she hasn’t made anything clear to you, she leaves just days before Christmas (as planned with the ticket) and at the terminal conversation goes along the lines (while you’re hugging):
Me: “I love you”
Her: “I know”
pause
Her: “I will see you soon”
Me (sarcastically): “Really?”
hold the hug for a moment longer and release, turn around and walk away, while putting your sunglasses on to cover up the tears and you go back to work to keep your mind of it all…

And after that visit things seem to be going in the direction of you not being single, just yet… therefore…

Do you say “I am done”, when she texts you later those words you hoped you’d hear in person, face to face, but they never come at the airport…?

Do you say “I am done”, when she apologies for all that happened in that year via text message, saying she did it all for herself, to know she is ok (literally)… and things seem to be going “ok”…

Do you say “I am done”, when you go for 2 weeks to UK for Easter, you sleep in a separate bed, your friends ask the awkward question when you meet them “why?” and you’d rather melt away or not be there at all to answer, when you feel out of place and even more like a piece of furniture that you did when she was visiting you in Auckland before Christmas, absolutely disposable, no need to attend to, just put it in the corner and it will be just fine…

Do you say “I am done”, when there is World Cup on TV and she can’t even talk to you on video, because she is watching a game, a recorded game she can pause, rewind, etc…

Or do you finally give up few weeks later when you finally are at your wits end and finally say to yourself, I can’t be taking this shit anymore and you send an email asking WTF?!… and you get a response that shocks the love or any affection you had for her out of you and out of that relationship immediately…

So tell me? when do you stop and say you are done? I’d wish you did much sooner than I…

I haven’t reach any of my limits I am sure, but I can say this much: if I could spare just 1 single person from going through a fraction of what I have gone through and help them realize sooner than later it isn’t worth it, than I am a happier man (not that I am not happy now anyway…).

I know when I want something, I will go all the way, I am the “for better and for worse”, literally, “till death do as part” kind of guy, but I can tell you now, had I known what I have learned, I would have walked away months ago and saved myself crowning 2013 the worst year of my 33 year back then life.

I don’t really know when to say I am done, that’s my biggest flaw maybe. You won’t listen to my advice, same as I didn’t listen back then to my parents, friends (some of which I wouldn’t call friends as they knew exactly what was going on), etc. I had to learn for myself, it was my choice after choice that led me (painfully back then) to where I am now.
It costs a lot and in the end, it really isn’t worth it, I’ll leave that rubbish for someone else to pick up.

Advertisements