Tags

, , ,

I always thought that birthday is the most important day of ones life, I mean, it should be, for you. It’s the day you started your journey here. I was born more or less 24hrs and 36 years ago and right now, this moment, I feel I need to clear my head by writing what’s coming:

Due to the fact I am 12hrs ahead between my home country and here, my parents and my only sister were the people who wished me happy birthday today (not yesterday), and to me, these are the most important people. Mates at work obviously had me “at hand” to wish me that yesterday on the “local” 22nd calendar day.

I pick and chose my “friends” on facebook fairly strictly, if I had not met the individual in person, I see no reason or point of adding them as a number on my badge of “how many”… Where am I going with this… Well, out of 113 people (minus a few family members – less than 10), guess who dropped me a simple and dry “happy birthday”? not a single person… And I guess it hurts if you think about it… If you let it go, you realize it’s all bullshit, no one cares anyway…
I have the advantage of the time difference so when someone else’s birthday comes up, I have a head start… But why should I care when others don’t…

So, I am laying on the floor, listening to my favorite tunes in the background, the weather is really windy outside, humid and warm, drizzly, I have an ambient scented candle burning in the background… total chill-out… yet the mind is working away passing time by producing thoughts and effortlessly bringing someone particular into your focus, but a race of thoughts comes in because you have so many questions at once…

Maybe I want to find inner peace? what is that? is there such a thing? isn’t that a waste of time to keep looking for it? surely, it will only be temporary, like everything is…

You are in each second of your life only once… so why hesitate if it feels great?

Do I want to be happy? what is happy for me? I probably wouldn’t even realize I am happy even if it hit me in the fucking face…

Does meditation really work? if it does, how come I couldn’t fall asleep until 4am the other night and couldn’t clear my head…

How do you know if something is good or bad? isn’t it only a choice and additional experience?

What is the point of trying to figure out tomorrow, if it may never come? isn’t it better to take a leap of faith and enjoy that passing second of your life?

What if you are looking forward to the future and imagining things to come and you have not done that for a very long time? How do you know that what you want or dream about is what you actually need? if life gives you something, does it mean it’s ok to enjoy it? what if it’s socially morally incorrect? Can you and should you forgive yourself the fact that you can’t stop, because you do not want to stop and because you are looking ahead to things that could come and you want to take what’s being given?

How do you stop yourself from doing it and should you really stop it?

What if you are the only dreamer in this situation, the other party is too hesitant (yes, it’s always about a girl)? Isn’t that an indication enough to walk away? when do you chose to step away? when do you give up? what if it’s too good to be true? what if it’s all fake and your on your own even though the situation involves at least 2 people? how far can your limits go? what if your limits can not be reached, because you pushed past them and now they are all just a blur…

Why are you dreaming about anything anyway? is it you that is dreaming for yourself? no, you’re dreaming because of the involvement of the other person…

When do all the question stop…? do they ever…? and what if you know the answers to all of these questions, yet you’re the only side of the coin that has some definition, the other side of the coin is not well defined and it doesn’t look like it’s going to be… even though you’d want to work on reshaping both sides…?

And I had a sinking feeling, which I can only describe as the ultimate sorrow… I just felt like I don’t want anything from this world, absolutely nothing. No, I am not suicidal. I just feel empty of any wishes and wants. I don’t want the money, to win the lotto, to meet a super hot and attractive girl, get a car, get a house (not that I have any of those). And even though there really is something I do want above anything else right now (and I am sure I am not going to get it, life isn’t that nice), I just felt I don’t want to want anything at all… Just nothing… trying to get rid of everything I feel..

Advertisements