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I am having a confusion moment: between trying to relieve my mind of self thought torture and between trying to figure out why am I feeling what I am. A bit of a purgatory in a few areas, in life, in mind, in heart… I am confused enough that I started to re-read a few titles I read 3 years ago while I was fighting with myself not to give up and not to go mad(?), for example “Stop Thinking, Start Living”, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”…

And I just had a thought I am trying to break apart:

Is love a real thing?

Isn’t it just feelings created by your brain? like anger, sadness, whatever? Can we feel anything without having a prior thought? I am just asking this because I am pretty sure I have a certain feeling, on a deeper level, but then when I try to figure out where this deeper feeling is coming from, brain is busy, full steam ahead…

Can you imagine how horrible it would be to come to (and accept) the following conclusion…

You don’t FEEL love, you THINK love… your thoughts create the feelings… that’s all there is…

How devastating it would be to take away all the “magic” of “love” by simplifying…

But… wait a second…

You KNOW something deep inside, no matter what thoughts you’re having. You know it and you want it, no need to think about it, or whatever… isn’t THAT the magic of love? that you simply… KNOW?

Small and very simplified example (back in the days when I was still handsome…): you are chatting away, sitting in front of the other person, you are fully aware of the conversation, but subconsciously you are fully absorbed with taking in and admiring tiny details: the eyes, the lips, the nose, the smile, the shades of light on their face, the sound of voice… and you’re trying to be civilized and keep your hands to yourself (that’s what the brain is telling you – task 3, even though you’re already multitasking by – task 1 – having a normal conversation, plus – task 2 – admiring the person you are talking to in such a detail you couldn’t draw it all even if you were Picasso, and men can’t multitask right?), because you and your body KNOWS you want to kiss her… 86400 seconds in a day, make that 1 count… you might never get another chance…
And you KNOW you’ll have to and want to do it again, and again again, until you get to a point (or may never will!) that you had enough… but you know this one shared moment won’t be enough…
So you see, there’s not much thinking going on here… it’s all happening on a completely different level… it’s magnetic…

It happens. And if you’re awake enough to realize it’s happening, you’ll know, and if you’re lucky it may be reciprocated.

I had those rare moments before, and I know. It is real.

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