Tags

, , ,

I am going through some tough time at the moment. I have been talking to someone about my situation, someone I consider a real friend, someone who I can tell anything and they will tell me what they think no matter what. Although I have not talked in person with the one involved in all this, “she” doesn’t trust herself to be in the near proximity of me (the chemistry or whatever you want to call it). But I have been thinking, how long should I “bother” anyone with all this? why should I be talking about it to anyone at all? it’s not helping me so far, so far, it just cemented what I feel deeper and deeper…

No matter what everyone says, I have my own mind (or free will?), sounds familiar…

Last time I was fighting for something I should have let go months ago, even though everyone was saying to stop and I didn’t see it for myself until later. So why am I doing this again to myself???

Well, for one, in 3 months “she” got under my skin deeper than a person I have been in a 5 year relationship for a few years ago… but I am afraid if I’d written all the details I’d be here a while… although, you’ll find a bit more details if you read on…

I am trying to tell myself I can’t want this, I shouldn’t want this, I don’t want this… fake it till you make it bullshit…

I am looking for reasons, basically just looking through things that have been said that I found hurtful, untrue, unreal, so that I can re-focus and kill what’s inside, instead of “knowing” the feelings and emotions the real moments brought to me and “her”.

I am writing all this in hope that pouring it out will help me get it out of my system. I am hoping I will see a different perspective that I can’t see right now, because I am in this situation, I am too close to it all. I am struggling, because I wasn’t looking for the feelings, too many things just triggered something I can’t control, noticed too many details about “her” that I find as simply knowing this is what I want from someone who I want to be with, too natural, too right? whatever you call it (or was I actually subconsciously looking for someone and didn’t even know? and this is what life brought into my path? but then for what purpose? just to tease me? teach me? what? I have only one life, when I want something I go an get it, see what you have in front and fight for it, but how far do you go? time to quit all the fighting, you’re killing yourself).

Your choice to be with someone. I think it just hit me. “She” really doesn’t want me, it should be enough to stop and let go? who in the right frame of mind would still want to be with someone who made a choice of opposite polarity? Still, it doesn’t make it easier that I know “she” feels something “she” never felt before, yet chooses to ignore it. Well, doesn’t matter what I want, it’s irrelevant… “I want” has to be mutual…

Right now I am feeling as if I had to forcefully, on my own accord, rip my skin off and slowly attempting to take out all my internals for cleaning or whatever purpose, and it doesn’t feel natural to do, and it feels unpleasant, unreal, especially when you subconsciously do NOT want rid yourself of the feelings you have.

I am trying my best to convince myself that I do not want this, against EVERYTHING my 86kgs of cells feel and know… I have never wanted someone as much as this.

Imagine: you go into the sea for a swim, and you get caught by a wave, you go under and stay long that tiny moment too long that you actually KNOW you NEED to get air… Imagine wanting someone like that… then you’ll know how easy it is for me to try to say to myself: “stop it, this one isn’t yours either, you must let go”

Advertisements