I think I need to get rid of a few things onto a post, as the process of transferring thoughts from mind to something readable might help clear some shit out…
I’d love to say I am having the best time ever, but the truth is rather far from it. It’s all about a girl. Unfortunately. I don’t want to want the person, but I subconsciously do… Right this second I really have no idea what any of this (life in general) is about. You want something, you go an get it, yet you can’t have it… you want something and you let go, and still you won’t have it… One could say that’s a clear enough message from life (god? karma?) to do what exactly? letting go doesn’t work, stuff just happens… fighting for something doesn’t work… so WTF?
I am really disappointed by a few things the person told me, few things that really made me feel rather worthless, well at least it feels like for her I am of rather little to no value. There are ways to move on and say we’re past it all, but a few words, which one could really easily interpret as a sign of not really giving a rat’s arse about you isn’t what I hoped for. So what am I still doing to myself? Well, I am trying to get on with it… I know it will get easier, later. Now I am just a person to avoid… Maybe if I keep telling myself all this distancing is the right thing to do I might believe it one day, fake it till you make it.
I was talking to someone the other day about the complexity of how deep the said person got under my skin, and it just made me feel more and more sad. I tried to explain something I don’t entirely understand as it never happened to me, not to that extent, and not that intensity. The person told me to let go, I said, I am really trying to… I let someone get too close and now I am paying for it.
I don’t know if you ever had this feeling before, but, being around someone, you notice extreme details, very tiny things, things you just KNOW you love about that person… I could list all those things I noticed, but I won’t. It’s not worth pouring it all out here, there’s no point. My point is, this is a feeling I would refer to as extreme comfort and knowing, that’s the one you’d be happy to spend a lot of time in your life with. It’s deep enough to not be able to just let it all go instantly.
Guess what? she doesn’t want you… so wake the fuck up, get your broken pieces off the fucking floor and get the fuck out of everything you feeling, cut it all out with a blade, make sure you do it precisely, no leftovers, do whatever the fuck you need… because there’s nothing here for you and never will be. Move the fuck on… and forgive yourself.
Time heals wounds? Bullshit, time only replaces wounds with scars… that make you look ugly most of the times…