In times of parts of your life when you’re stretching yourself and extending your character, you tend to go through a transformation of some sort, some sort of realization, Eureka moment, that changes the way you think, the way you react and respond to anything, maybe even your values change.
I keep asking myself all sorts of questions, even though I think I am trying to just get on with everything. The questioning is tiring me, really is. The focus is on shit that might be absolutely irrelevant, or something that I have no control over, or there is no point of questioning anything, or there are actually quite relevant questions I need to answer for myself, etc. You get my point.
But then… how the fuck do you actually know when to stop asking? when do you know you had enough? when do you know how to live? be? where is the peace of mind you’re looking for by meditating and reading self help books, writing out blog posts and journal entries? What question is relevant enough to be dealt with? Which one internal thought is the one you SHOULD ignore? if you keep dismissing certain thoughts (technically you can do that with ANY thought), where is the knowing which ones are the “keepers”?
I guess I am asking myself all this recently, just because I am a little hurt and don’t see much point in being the me I know I am, I just don’t feel like it, I feel like being someone else, horrible person or something, I don’t know, anything but who I am as a human.
And as much as some fancy therapist or whoever would say it’s ok to feel this or that, it will pass anyway; I shouldn’t fucking want to “not feel like being me”. I am me and I need to want to be me, I need to love me.
Love yourself first, then you can love others unconditionally… hardest thing I’ll ever try to learn…
I don’t want to NOT want to see the details I notice in people and by that I mean I love. I don’t really want to NOT want to spend my life with that one “special” person. But I do NOT want to right now.
Even though all the 36 years of my life took me all the way where I am right now, I don’t feel I achieved what I wanted. No, I didn’t want to be a millionaire or anything like that. Simple things in life help me feel happy, someone to love and get same in return… that’s more than enough, the rest I’ll deal with. Got none of that.
It wasn’t my 3rd time lucky in relationships to be fair, the last one wasn’t even a fair try, it wasn’t a relationship, well not for me, can’t be in a 3 people constellation – that’s not a relationship. I should have kept myself to myself.
So where off to now?
Get up, you know you’re way stronger than all of this, put some stitches on if you have to, look around and take a step forward eh? Make sure you do not give time to people who don’t show any care for you, because it will just get wasted on someone who doesn’t want you in their life. Besides you know in yourself and can see that life is really saying to you in uppercase YOU DON’T NEED THAT C**T IN YOUR LIFE, TRUST ME.
Next step? Forgiveness…?