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I wanted her as badly as I want air when I dive on one breath for far too long…
I wanted to find out more about her, I wanted to learn her, I wanted her presence, I wanted her smiles to be triggered by me, I wanted to stare at the gimmicks she does, I wanted to touch her, feel her skin through each finger’s fingerprint. I wanted to see over and over again how she responds when I run my fingers through her hair and know how she feels as I can see her body responds. I wanted the nuclear reaction of chemicals when we kissed to never stop, only to take a breath between the kisses. I wanted it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well… she doesn’t…

I am the fool…

No matter what you say, I will never be the same, I will never feel the same, ever, again. All futures will be very different, one detail completely missing, another one making me cringe, yet another maybe better than what I came across so far, but all in all the second that passed just now will never be here again. Why preset your mind to what might be? no, it’s not that. It’s the consciousness, the knowing of that flavor, as I wrote in one of the previous posts that I am afraid might get stuck on the soul, heart and mind…

Will that terrible knowing interfere with my future, will it degrade me taking whoever comes along for who they are? or will the deep knowing of what I almost had destroy all future attempts on my path being joined with someone who I know I want and need to walk through life with?

I don’t know.

I hope all the work I am doing now on myself to rip it all out of me and destroy it, will somehow help me clean up the parasite of the deepest feelings I have ever had in my life so far to another human being, a girl I should have never allowed myself anywhere near, or let her into my world.

Life really isn’t pleasant sometimes and it makes me wonder, why am I even here?

What is the point of asking for anything (if they guy upstairs exists), when you won’t get what you want? Is it really as simple as “this isn’t right for you” or “wasn’t meant to be” sort of bullshit…??? Well, I no longer know…

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