I feel like writing something. No idea what about thought. The one thing that is on my mind doesn’t seem to be fading away so far. Writing about it on the blog seem to help marginally; writing on paper and chucking it into the bin has similar effect, talking to people not resolving it either. The last 3 nights I dreamed about the one person I am trying to not care anymore. How ironic eh? it is tiring…
I am doing it all wrong, am I? The fact that I am telling myself “stop thinking about her”, “you shouldn’t”, “stop it”, “she isn’t worth it”, “forget about her”, “she is definitely not thinking about you”; maybe all that bullshit is actually activating the brain more and more to think EXACTLY about that one thing I don’t want my mind to focus on. Then, on the other hand, when does it stop? Even if I let things come in and out, it’s just too often, I NEED it to die…
Last night, I know precisely triggered the dream. It was a weird feeling, the most peaceful one I had in a while, the only way I can describe it is unconditional love to that one person I am trying to shut off and rid off. You know the feeling when you jump into the water and it wraps around you everywhere? it was similar, feeling of something sticking to you, all over, and drying into your skin and tissue and becoming you. Something I don’t ever recall feeling before, weird, peaceful and comfortable.
Am I am accepting that it’s ok for me to feel this… terrible… magnitude of feelings to someone who will never be in my life the way I want it? Possibly. That also took off some anger and hurt out of me. I know she’ll never read this (I sent her a few links before to specific articles, but I know she doesn’t read my blog), and I know I will never ever tell her how I feel. Why?
Because I am convinced she really doesn’t care or want to hear it (she told me some time ago we best not talk about feelings). I know what caring for someone means to me and how I’d want to receive “care” and I am not seeing any of that.
Also, it was me who got much much deeper into all this and it was me who showed more interest and initiative. I said once had I not done anything, nothing would have happened. She said that is not true, she would have jumped on me in the end, but I don’t really believe that at all.
What has been happening so far is far too much proof that I am no longer of ANY interest, it is perfect proof that actions speak more than words and what’s been said so far is all in UPPERCASE. I am just struggling to let it go… still trying to figure out why it’s so unnatural, so alien, so awkward, so unfriendly… the complete opposite of the times we shared.
I will never know what she thinks or feels, and I think I’d like to know, for closure, for myself. I’d like to know I mean / meant nothing, so that I can close the door for good. Not still trying to figure out if she wants to be friends why is she acting like I don’t exists unless I am literally in her face…
But, I’ll never ask to speak to her, I’ll never ask the questions I have, enough of me getting involved in something that has ZERO return and will never ever tell her how I feel.
Nothing else left for me except for self preservation.