Short and sweet. It finally sunk in. I am done and I don’t care, at last.
I had a conversation I so wanted to have with someone for the last 2 months (almost). All the avoidance, ignorance, no matter if on purpose or accidental, still childish on both sides. Yet I somehow feel I have done much more to make this door close gently, not snap out of the hinges. But it wasn’t worth it. It almost killed me, so what is the point in trying to sort it out the “good way”?
The answers I got from the person weren’t really sufficient, and I still don’t understand them. I don’t think I ever nor I need to. I have been asking for a chat multiple times, but apparently it looked like I was ok (only that person didn’t seem to have noticed I am not ok… everyone else in my environment did…), also supposedly I looked like I needed space, and distance.
Let me emphasize, I can’t recall how many times I said to her, I don’t do well with ignorance, lack of contact, etc. I want to talk so I feel this is still normal and human relationship.
The conversation ended with apparently the both of us want to be friends. The other part said she would say hi today and something else. I didn’t really expect it to happen, not after the way things panned out in the last few weeks. Especially last week.
Guess what, I wasn’t disappointed… there was no “hi”, although I admit a fraction of an effort to not be awkward was made, there were 3 other people around. So again, for the last time – I – sent rather friendly message on an office communicator, didn’t get any response to it, no reaction. Am I being too picky? too impatient? No, I was almost done with it all, that’s why I wanted to talk, I wanted to give her a chance to show me that she cares enough to move a finger.
Seems I am still an object of attraction, yet I don’t warrant friendship, which (the friendship) for me would be a little “hi” even if nothing else would have been said, even if there’s nothing else to talk about. “Hey, just saying hi, so you know I am aware of your existence”. Am I misreading it all? or does it really look like this conversation happened only, because she was scared I might expose what happened between us to her boyfriend.
If you have a conversation with someone, because you are almost done and you admit that you are “this close, so if you can, please do something about it” and they still don’t seem to do it…? Someone says one thing, but does the opposite…? you really lose belief in what they are saying, it’s natural. Actions do speak more than words…
You ask, but can it be fixed? Anything can, but there can’t be one sided effort, constantly…
I have done all I can to make it as human as possible, at least I can walk away knowing that.