Talking to my Unicorn friend the other day shook me a bit. Listening to the fear in her voice and taking in what the potential outcome might be (I still do not believe the outcome is a real possibility unfortunately) shifted something inside.
Something terribly unfair, extremely raw about a situation… that I am 36 and think I am at my best (health, fitness, all sorts) completely unaware of what might be happening inside my body and I worry myself stupid with shit that is IRRELEVANT and NOT WORTH IT, CLEARLY!; and on the other hand she’s only 22… and knows something is very wrong… and has a reason to feel far less happy than any average human (not just a person her age) and might not be able to get to the age I am now… ever… Fuck it doesn’t add up…
I am not sure how to describe this, really. The feeling is completely new, it’s weird, it’s making me really calm but very emotional. Maybe I just realized what’s the point in worrying about anything? at all? you’ll die ANYWAY, so why not just DO what you fucking want and love, throw all the fears out of the window – what’s the worst that’s going to happen? money runs out? there’s plenty of that garbage in the world, you’ll make some more…
STOP caring about people who REALLY DO NOT care about you (even if they say otherwise, but are completely unaware that they actually DO NOT CARE), even if what your feelings are to the extreme scale you never had before; you’re wasting your precious time on this amazing planet.
And trust me when I tell you, YOU DO HAVE people in your life who are unicorns and they are the deserving ones, the ones who you should spend time with, talk to, laugh and cry with, the ones to be receiving ALL your LOVE and ATTENTION.
I’d love to see my Unicorn today, but I am afraid I’d not release the hug and would not be able to stop tears running down my face, and I know the latter is not what she needs.
Be hasty loving people, they might be going away soon… You might never get another moment.
This shift also heightened what I am about to share about why I am as passionate as I am.
I have been asked by someone few months ago (no, not the Unicorn) “why do you kiss me the way you do” and “why do you touch me the way you do”…
I kiss as if I was kissing for the last time and was unable to speak and the only way to show how I feel about her is through the way I am kissing, intensity of it increasing the letter case of what I am saying without speaking.
I touch as if was the first and last time I get to memorize all the curves and details.
I hug as if it was the last time I have the other person in my arms.
I smile and laugh a lot so that if someone’s memory of me is the last one, it will be a pleasant one.