It’s Saturday morning, and I am having dairy waffles with coconut whipped cream, honey and cinnamon and guess what, the brain is on the go no matter what I am having for breakfast!
I went out last night with a couple of friends for a karaoke night, my throat is a little sensitive today haha was good fun! I am listening to a few songs I found in the last 2 days on a youtube channel I came across a while ago, I clicked on one of the songs and it became my new “play it on a loop”, it’s THAT good.
So I am having my breakfast and listening to some ambient tunes, slow and relaxing beats, it’s too early to hate myself… It’s the “morning sex” hazy brain mood (not that I had that for a long while), the back to basics type of state (Yes, I love morning sex, it’s the lazy tingling in your body when you haven’t quite figured out if you’re awake or dreaming, and what you experience during that time is on a different level). So this hazy feeling is a state of peace and calm (nostalgic?), it’s nice, especially after high rev week days I am putting myself through.
And one thing that is overwhelming me right now and bringing tears to my eyes is what I feel, and how it’s not fair to feel something like this and get so hurt over it.
Yes, the storm is over, yet I am still fighting with myself, over what and what for I keep asking… Yes, the clouds will be over me for a while, can’t quite see the sunshine not to mention the rainbows, but I hope that one day it’s all going to get out of me. It has to. It’s simply NOT FAIR on me, to want someone THAT bad, even more so when it’s not MUTUAL. It’s going to kill me if it persists. Literally.
Maybe that’s what I need to tell myself? I NEED to let this go somehow, as it would be the most terrible thing to do to myself, to make my body sick over this (my mind already is) and in the end who knows about the outcome of the strain such a thing is putting on me internally. That would be a cruel thing to do to the people who REALLY love me.
So when does the feeling go away? does it? will it ever? and why I am even feeling what I am feeling, as in struggling with HAVING this feeling? shouldn’t I be thankful that I can feel such a thing? to want someone as much as air, never had that before, never will (I hope). At least I know how it feels to want to kiss someone so badly that when you actually do, you want to melt everything that you are feeling into that one kiss, and actually show them that. I know she will never feel that again. Not from me.
Maybe it’s time to stop beating myself up for feeling such a thing. Just accept that I can?
It’s not my loss that the recipient has declined on me, even worse, declined acknowledging me as a human now and she doesn’t even see her behavior toward me and never will, no words for weeks… and we work together… And I just can’t believe that with the intensity we had, she won’t even say a simple hi… and what bothers me the most is I finally gave up on trying…