Storm is over? I am all done? it’s all over? What sort of bullshit am I selling to myself.
Storm being the exchange of few feisty message between me and her? and both trying to say we can be friends, when we really can’t, well I can’t anymore, my resentment level was high enough before the conversation I had few weeks back, where I said I am almost done.
My “friends” who I have feelings for, get special treatment, the good type, not the worst type, but I won’t let myself be treated like disposable garbage… only keep around for when entertaining…
I am all done? well that’s true, I am avoiding ALL and ANY contact at all cost. I will NOT say a word, even though it hurts me more than it will ever hurt her. What am I trying to prove though? I already know she won’t move a fucking finger. I have asked enough.
It’s all over? what’s fucking all over? I am so deep into the feelings I have for her that I don’t seem to be able to let go, it’s been months now! Fuck!
When does it all stop? is really the only fucking way to get over this to quit the job and remove myself “by force” from the situation? It looks like it.
So what I am still holding onto? If I quit I will lose the tiniest scrap of what I still have, but I won’t expand on that.
Why so much anger still, why so much attention on this bullshit… I keep trying to figure it all out and help my body breathe better and blood flow the right way around, instead of upstream and boiling it all up… Think I wish I was a Buddhist from birth, maybe I would have learned the way to happiness by now, way to forgiveness…
I won’t be saying what and how I feel, nothing is going to change and I will not achieve anything anyway, so no point.
Time to remind myself that it has to get shit, so that you know when it is shittiest, it can only get better from there on and you can recognize it… I mean, this situation can not get any worse than it is…