For the second time in my life, this song’s message is as raw as it gets, it’s digging into the meat, the bones, the cells, the neurons, the soul… You know it “Say something I am giving up on you”… First time, 2013… when my ex decided it’s best to avoid contacting me and talking to me. How could I have known it’d be so soon and so similar a feeling.
But is it her giving up on me? me giving up on her?
or is it me giving up on… “me”…
Have I given away all my control by allowing myself to feel? how do I look past the fact I feel, but shouldn’t care? shouldn’t allow myself to care.
I am trying to withhold the words that would describe how I feel to her. I am trying to choke it all down, no point of talking about it, nothing will change in that situation, yet I keep doing it. Why?! how does it stop?!
Some might say it’s madness, it’s not normal to feel such attachment to another person. Maybe I’m grown enough to feel absolute (read unconditional) love to someone no matter what? but then, I felt that to my ex… not as strongly as now. And it really does carry a level of madness if I think about it in anger, because when the peace comes over me, I feel nothing else than the four letter word. Why is this so difficult to let go? What is the way to let it go? I keep asking and nothing comes up, as if my subconscious mind took holidays or left altogether.. or is it just me blindly staring at the wrong things.
You have farewell drinks after work in the office as it’s the last day for one of the colleagues, and everyone is there. She’s there too of course, but you are “forced” into it all, just because you are with other people, you try to be normal, try to be cheerful and talkative. The crowd disperses hour after hour. Had it been just me and her, would have been a different story… probably no word for hours? or some awkward shit.
You struggle to NOT make comments among the things she says, things you know you would make a point at, because she is oblivious to “why’s” of what she’s talking about. You bite your tongue, you promised you’d try to do your best and not “bite”, but you’re doing it for yourself to stay decent and keep control. You hear all those things and you clench a tissue in your hand, you also try to blank out everything that’s going around, you still don’t grasp what’s actually happened and why you NO longer are of ABSOLUTELY ANY (humane) interest, you tell yourself, you are here for your colleague, stick with it, it’s his last day, you don’t know when you’re going to see him again. One of the things that I really really had to stop myself interjecting was she said she feels so lonely where she sits in the office, here’s what I said in my head luckily “get your head out of your fucking arse selfish fucking princess and open your fucking eyes, look how you treat people and don’t be fucking surprised you’re feeling lonely, I don’t even take lunches in the office anymore because of your behavior!!!”
I treasure people, I treasure them above everything else. All of them, but especially the ones I allowed far too close to me, a certain fault of mine perhaps? a certain.. blindness? or stupidity? or however you call it. Even people who are hurtful to my point of view. That must be my biggest mistake with this, as I clearly an nothing special for her. I really don’t even feel like human, just from the interactions, or rather, complete lack of.
I sit there listening, observing the forced interaction. Then the feeling of disgust overwhelms me as I notice how I pick up inch by inch every detail I got so attached to and immediately try to tell myself, mate, wake the fuck up, you mean NOTHING to that person, can you not see it? it’s happening right in front of your eyes, right here, right now and it’s been happening for a long while, PLEASE STOP yourself for your own fucking sake! let go and not care! I really need to stop this. Why do I even care she acts like an absolute **** in comparison to what she had shown me earlier this year? I am still blinded by the one beating part of me or simply try to give her a benefit of doubt hoping that the person I got to know is the real her? not this… thing…
Something else happens too, but that’s just a blow that even if you had block ready, it would have gone right through and hit the target. Your hands fall motionlessly. I will NEVER be friends with that person, ever…
The next day you have a quick chat with your mate, and you hear a comment that he saw how much you were struggling… was that visible. A colleague, noticed…
But the girl who got close to you, for over 3 months, with the intensity on both sides you see only in movies, doesn’t apparently notice anything.
Had others stayed longer, I am sure they’d say the same (not the first time). He previously said I need to look after myself, need to let it all go; that I know, but I am not really doing, clearly, just see the last few posts… Yesterday when we both left the office he just said “you need to change jobs, it’s draining you man”.
I tell you one thing, you NEVER ever want to feel the way I have been feeling for the last few months. At least I know it’s not just me and it’s not just all in my head.
Helplessness of the situation is killing me and the bullshit, and the fakeness, and the complete lack of interest in me as a human – the most. Maybe time to try and keep a list of negatives about her at all times, and keep reading them over and over again to rip it all out of me for good and start treat her same as she’s treating me.