I just talked to one of my female friends about what had happened last night (the previous post) and the things that really hurt me.
I never noticed that perspective. Her point was, imagine you have a girlfriend, and cheat on her with someone else, you’d feel guilty and ashamed at some point and wouldn’t want to stay in touch, would keep that person hidden; hence ignorance, avoidance, lack of interaction, lack of conversation, all sorts.
I don’t know if that’s the exactly what is going on and I have been struggling to deal with, but it matches a lot and makes sense. I guess I have to assume that’s what it is, as I asked her before and only got some lies and bullshit.
I will always be the guy who she cheated on with behind her boyfriend’s back, nothing less, nothing more, no matter what happened between us and how passionate or fake or real it was. It will always be NOTHING. No matter we work together. I am not hurt or sad by everything that has been going on ever since I came back from my holidays back in July, I am massacred, you have no idea how badly.
So it doesn’t matter what I feel or how little interaction or humane behavior or acknowledgement I want or need. I can never be a friend to her and she will never be a friend to me, clearly, not by my choice. Lack of human skills in that person is terribly clear, right from the words she said, to actions that never matched those words (or lack of).
That brought some clarity and understanding I think, but also… I feel like absolute garbage. But on the other hand, why should I be the only one to take the weight of it all? She is the one who has a partner, she is the one who led me on, she is the one who said all the things she did, she is the one who did all the things she did, she was the one who was into me as much as I was into her. Why do I take it all on me?
Karma is a bitch, and as the quote in the footer of his page… karma will get the bastards anyway – in this exact case – me…