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It’s Monday afternoon, usually at 5pm I’d still be at work, but not today. A day of, Labor Day in New Zealand, a national holiday.

I booked a hotel for 2 nights away from Auckland, used my “free” night I collected to redeem and lower the price on a nice place, all about 2.5hrs drive from the City of Sails. I needed a break, mental pause, switch off, reset, whatever you call it. I was also hoping that it will allow me to think clearer and make a decision as to what next, as if I was forcing myself to DO something. I am struggling at work with a personal issue, to the extent I told my manager I was actually thinking of leaving because of it, on Friday he asked me to not make any hasty decisions and offered that maybe we should try to set me up to work from home; it all feels I need to do something about it, but do I really?
All in all, I have been advised by a few colleagues and friends that maybe it’s time to leave this job. I don’t think I want to do that, not just yet. Even now, sitting here, back in my apartment, I do not feel I decided to go. Lets try a different approach then, shall we…? Anyways, will get back to that in a bit.

I woke up on Saturday, got a few things packed and went to pick up the car. It was supposed to be a small (usually Toyota Yaris) one, but to my surprise, I have been offered an upgrade… to a Holden Commodore (4 door sedan, V6, auto). I am a petrol-head, and couldn’t help but smile… To say I had fun with this car on the way to Tauranga, which was my destination, is an understatement. The usual speed limit is 100 kph, but I will not say how far and how many times I skipped past that number… Loved it! Empty straight roads!

I stopped on the way for lunch, sat for a bit, people watched and got on the way to my destination, parked up, checked in, and went to the beach. Than dinner, a few beers, walk by the waterfront and back to the hotel, and finally BATH!!! Now, not sure how you feel about that, but my apartment has only a shower. I love baths, seriously, there’s nothing better than to come home after a shit day, fill up a bath with hot water, get a drink and setup some music in the background and forget about the world. Soak…

Unfortunately, the one thing I managed to avoid thinking about all day caught up with me the second I got into the bath, closed my eyes, and relaxed. I got so frustrated that those thoughts came in that I teared up, yet decided I am not going to allow this shit to be on my mind before I am going to sleep, as it will fill my dreams. No Fucking Way! I started praying, believe it or not. That helped for the time I was in having the bath. Then I decided I need to watch a movie, distract the mind, the only way to not fall asleep thinking about the bullshit. So I did X-Men something, it worked. I am sure I dreamed about something, but can’t remember what. Woke up after 9am (RESULT!), got breakfast, drove the car to the beach and spend the whole day there. I finished the day with a climb to Mt Manganui, but couldn’t be bothered to wait for the sunset (I was at the summit around 7pm, it was getting coldish and I didn’t want to stick around for another 40 odd minutes). I found a spot to have nice dinner, a pizza with a glass of wine, and drove back to the hotel, yes – bath again! This time around, I put on a movie before I got into the bath, put my laptop on a chair, then when I was done with the bath, moved myself to the bed and finished watching it there. Mind was pre-occupied enough… (RESULT again!)

Finally, today: breakfast, drive back with a few stops for a walk and photos, visit to a beach and unfortunately… a few speed limits broken. I could have behaved you know, but again, I had this car and I thought, straight road, I can see far enough in front of me. Decided to put my phone on video record, stuck it into the steering wheel in front of the speedo, so that I only focus on the road, left myself a huge gap between the car in front and at around 80 kph floored it until I caught up with the “traffic”.

Think of me reckless, stupid, dangerous, whatever, I don’t care. I know what I am doing with the car, I know what I am doing on the road. You can drive very fast, and safe, even on a public road, when there’s traffic in the distance in front of you. It’s not like I was keeping high speeds all the time, I literally floored it on a straight a few times until I started getting close to the cars in front of me.

Came back to Auckland with a few bottlenecks around 4pm, nice and easy. I so love driving. I loved the weekend break. I’d love to not have to go back to work.

As I was saying at the start, this break was suppose to help me clear my head, reset, give me and my mind some breathing space and see if I can figure out what to do in the situation I am in. Which way to go? One thing that bothers me a little is that, in the end, why am I so hung up on trying to make a decision, sooner or later? Isn’t life a chain of decisions? One after the other? Some will lead you into the good experiences, others will lead you into shit. I just don’t think I actually made the decision to quit my job. Or maybe I did make a decision, but I don’t quite see it…? I was hoping this weekend would give me some much needed clarity, focus vision, rather than still feeling a bit fuzzy about it all. Maybe that’s the decision I made? since I can’t see clearly the decision to quit, I decided to stick with it?

How much more self torture can I take though? Which is the way to not care about her?