Another working week gone by. It’s Friday night. 40 days until I leave for my holiday.
You know when you have those moments when you sit down in your home, look around, it’s empty, completely empty. The only thing that’s here is your body, mind and soul.
Is kept fit, 5 or 6 time a week in the gym, eating healthy, drinking lost of water, smoothies, natural juices, a massage every few weeks to loosen things out, stretches daily, the healthier I am, the longer I’ll last… Trying to get good night sleeps, minimal alcohol to be fair. Yes, I look good naked, so what? I won’t look like this forever… even less beneficial as I am single hahaha
Still tormented by the pain caused by my own thoughts and my own caring about someone I shouldn’t at all. I acknowledged it was a mistake, I get there’s no point in trying to figure anything out, I just can’t fucking stand the situation being that fucking broken knowing how close we got. I know that I am focusing on the negative when those moments catch up, and there was a trigger to it, triggers all over the place. At least I am noticing the triggers, can do something about them… or at least try to do something about them. Still, can’t wait for the time in the near future when I’ll stop caring altogether about her. Preoccupying myself in the swiping game of Tinder – swipe left, swipe right, pfff, not like you’ll meet anyone, unless I am really that fucking ugly, I swiped so many women right, I even had a field day with swiping everyone right and still nothing, I even added 2 t-shitless photos to provoke… still nothing. I am on 2 dating website, one of which got me far too much attention from the wrong kind of sex I am into… what a fucking liberty, to quote Catherine Tate… Another dating site seems to be a waste of time as well. You’ve got to laugh, nothing else left to do.
Not regenerating much. Shut down to be fair. Unable to shake off or stop all attempts to understand why I still seem to care about someone I shouldn’t (her), second time around in my life, trying to keep someone close, someone who clearly doesn’t give a flying fuck about keeping me close, how stupid am I? I tried to acknowledge it was the biggest mistake of my entire life to let that person so close, I tried to forgive myself for allowing it all to happen, I don’t think I tried to forgive myself for my terrible approach on trying to fix it, but I think I am taking way too much responsibility for the mess, there’s 2 people in this situation. I also have a few memories engraved on me to the extent I know they will never fade away, the nice kind, and these will not help me erase that person out of all the corners of me, but hhopefully I’ll be able to erase her from most of them. Anyways, soul. Yes. No rest for the wicked…
I have a weird feeling since my longer weekend, just can’t “see” what that feeling is trying to tell me… would be good if it was in UPPERCASE, rather than bloody small print…
I had a few moments this week when I really needed a hug, put my head on someone’s lap, get my hair stroked or be told it’s going to be ok and let the tears flow… no need to look tough… no need to be strong… Just letting all emotions flow.
I can see that I care less and less, yet there are still triggers that trip me off to the extent that a 15 min full on session on a punching bag at the gym doesn’t tire me at all, I just simply get bored and walk away. I had ONLY 2 moments this week that destroyed my mood in an instant. One brought tears to my eyes, the other one, well, gym session as I said.
I don’t even know where I am going with this. I talked to a few people about all the bullshit, I’ll just generalize it as it’s all bullshit. 2 adults acting like fucking handicapped people, mind you two people who got so close in 3 months they could describe each other with their eyes closed.
I have one mate who is in UK who I have spoken to online pretty much daily this week. Lets me vent. There’s a couple, a mate I work and his partner, they know I am having a hard time. It feels though they were being polite and listening to what I had to say. My parents and my older sister are on the other side of the planet. My sister hasn’t really said hi to me in a while either, I did though, I said hi a few times. And I think the worst of all, my Unicorn, I haven’t had a chat with her for weeks…
Point is… everyone has their own life… And… it all really helps to feel immensely and completely alone, when you really would love someone to ask, hey how are you? Mostly, you’re on your own in the end.
Even more so when I thought I made a close friend by letting the person get near, but I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong. I was never THAT wrong about someone. And when I have those moments, all I want is the next day to come sooner rather than later. I tell myself, tomorrow is a new day.
But why not try to change right here? right now? and save the rest of the day? and how do I do that?
I was once called by a person I met for the first time around a “smiley person, who gives the most genuine hugs ever”. I wonder where that person is now, is he still around or is he completely shut down because of her? that smiley guy? does he still give the most genuine hugs (as it’s the way he wants to be hugged back…)? Last genuine hug I had was from my mum when I was in Europe, visiting home 6 months ago. You know the kind of hug? The kind of hug when your mind and heart is filled with such a strong feeling to someone that you want that person more than air, the kind of hug that when you’re feeling what I can only describe as the deepest feeling I have ever had to a person and then you remember it will never be; you’re about to burst into tears but you can not show that to your mum who’s standing right in front of you, as then you’d have to explain what’s up, but you can’t allow yourself to say anything to her, for many reasons; so you just dive into a hug, close your eyes and remove the other person from your thoughts by force and direct all the feelings of love you had a moment ago to the person in your arms.
Think you can hug like this? I can. I always do. I kiss as if it was the last time, I hug as if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. Not to her though, no more (the girl I felt so strongly about this year in case you’re wondering who I am talking about, it’s all in a lot of previous posts).
I’d love a hug now…